What are you on about? Really?

Who is is a practice of escapism. It is a platform in which anything can happen. Created back in 2005 as a means to obtain a tax id grew into a way for it’s creator to be loud and opinionated while protecting themselves from an overbearing employer. Working for someone with boundary issues has always been a tricky thing and working for one nobody else wanted too it became quickly apparent it would be difficult to voice independant thought.

While the preceding is all true. This is not the whole story and to really understand just what actually is you need to really go back to understand who the creator was and will be. So, “Let’s Go!”

Story time.

Deep in the backwoods of Michigan a special child was born. She was intelligent, charming and severely punished for just existing. She was the middle child of a couple who only wanted two children. It would be related to her that she was a disappointment from the day she was born. She was the reason The couple’s perfect plan for life was not going to work out and worse yet she was, “such a troublesome burden.” You see nobody really knew her; they would ask, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Questions such as this and seemingly harmless would invoke the wrath of her birth father. Being an intelligent child she learned to hide from the world and to become invisible to those around her so as to stay safe.

Now becoming invisible came with a price. She would have very few friends in this world. Yet to the child this price seemed reasonable. You see she didn’t know many kind words from others and interaction with the locals meant punishment to her so being alone was the least painful option.

Of course she was lonely but her intelligence knew that by fostering her creativity and imagination the child could create a world full of love and kindness. The child didn’t have to be alone. People called her new friends imaginary and ridicule her because of how she made her world. Whenever her birth father would find the physical forms that she would create for friends she was punished through a violent spectacle of him destroying that which she loved leaving her unable to save her friends. He would rip the dolls into the smallest pieces he could all while striking her with what remained shouting, “Boys don’t play with dolls.” Each time it happened the child would become a little more isolated from that world of cruelty until she only existed as a shell housing a ghost of herself guarded by the creature her birth father expected her to be.

Somehow her friends never left her and they would tell her of far off places where people weren’t cruel and everyone strived to bring love and joy to those who wanted it. The child’s friends promised she’ll see this world someday. Many times she tried to escape to go in search of the far off lands and every time she was brought back to her prison of punishment and isolation until one day she just gave up.

She accepted that her birth father had won. She allowed herself to believe that she would always be the empty hideous monster he created inside her. She believed that she would never be known to anyone who could love her and worse of all she believed she’d never know the true face of joy. This emptiness and hatred became like religion to her and anyone who tried to break her free from this self constructed prison would be left defeated and broken in the wasteland that was the child’s existence.

Now I know this story seems pretty bleak and hopeless but things did improve for the child. I’m not sure when and how it all really happened, the details are still a bit unclear but it was her friends who promised her long ago that had an influence in saving her.

Now remember the child was intelligent and while she knew to keep her friends a secret so that her birth father could not hurt them. As she grew older she learned that others would wish to hurt her through them so she began to keep them a secret from everyone. This sadly came at the cost of her beginning to no longer believe in her friend’s realness. The child not only accepted that her friends were imaginary but harmful to her mental health. It wasn’t long after then that she abandoned her friends and found herself truly alone for the first time ever. This was possibly the darkest time in her life. The child struggled with keeping up the appearance of what people told her a normal life is. The child’s creative mind suffered and her work took on a dull patina of mediocrity. She worked, made art, and existed to a formula written by one with heart full of anger until one day it began to change.

It actually was one night she had been going through the motions pretending to be a responsible adult and a small cat had crossed her path on the return to her horrible little apartment. Listening to her heart for what was probably the first time in many years she brought the cat home with her, bathed him, fed him and the following day got him much needed medical attention. The significance of this to the child shown her she was still capable of feeling love. What she felt her birth father had destroyed in her was still there. That cat followed by a second one shortly after became her two best friends; she was no longer alone once more.

Now they didn’t talk to her like the friends of her childhood but their affection was obvious. Plus the cats would listen to her where there were no others. After ten years together with the cats the child thought she might be able to find her way to the far off lands she sought after as a child. Just as her birth father was cruel so it appeared that life would try to be more cruel.

Losing the cats to disease devastated the child. Anything she may have gained from their unconditional love created such a harsh pain within her that she turned inward and isolated herself from the world. She disconnected from every thought, hope, or emotion she had ever dreamed of one day having. The child became nothing more than a machine running a program created so long ago leaving only a small single thread being the memory of her recently lost best friends to maybe one day find her way from the darkness.

It wasn’t until the child had become so physically ill that the friends she created in childhood fought their way back into her thoughts.

Sitting in a doctors examination room being told in a very matter of fact way that the child should not be living. Attempting to make light of her situation the child joked, “Who said I ever was living.” The child never heard what the Doctor had replied what she did hear though was the voice of a long ago friend telling her, “Don’t let it end like this.” That was when she felt hope and it made her uncomfortable.

It was only then something inside decided that the child must fight at least to survive for now. It was becoming clear to the child that everything she had done from her furtherest memory until that moment she did it to survive so maybe someday she could live.

It has been slow and difficult. Sometimes things seem to go backwards but the child is not only surviving but actually living on occasion.

Nice story but...

So what does that long story have to do with

Basically is a promise. It's also a place where all the imaginary friends can find employment. is how I remind myself to work on building the world I was not allowed to be a part of for so long. Using as means to continue my story in a positive way. It's also an outlet for my creativity.

Sometimes madness slips out but more often something good happens.